Why I Keep Signing Up for Things That Scare Me

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In two days I will walk onto the mat at the IBJJF European Championship in Lisbon.

I am competing in the Masters 5 Heavyweight Blue Belt division. There are 12 competitors in my bracket, which means if I want gold I have to win three matches in a row. No free ride. No easy path. Three people standing between me and the podium.

The matches start at 2:00 pm Central European Time, which is 8:00 am US Eastern. That means I will be fighting while most people back home are still drinking coffee and checking email. I like that. It feels like doing something difficult in a quiet part of the world.

Last Year Changed Everything

Last year I won this same tournament as a white belt in the heavyweight division. I tore my rotator cuff in the finals, had no idea until I was standing on the podium, and still somehow walked away with gold. That experience changed me. It proved something I did not know before, which is that I can function under pressure even when things are going wrong.

This year is different. I am a blue belt now. The division is deeper. The experience level is higher. The mistakes get punished faster.

And like I always do, I made it worse for myself.

I Built a Tool to Scare Myself

I built a tournament research tool on BJJChat that scrapes the IBJJF tournament site, pulls down all the registered competitors, and then lets you click into each one to see their past matches, YouTube footage, and competition history.

You can see my actual bracket here: IBJJF Europeans 2026 Registrations

Every time I use this thing before a tournament, I regret it.

Unknown opponents are abstract. Known opponents are real. You start seeing their grips, their guard, their passing style, their takedowns. Your brain does not see data. It sees futures where you might lose.

It is intimidating. It is uncomfortable. It makes your heart rate jump for no good reason.

And that is exactly why I built it.

Fear Is Not a Stop Sign

The point of competition is not to feel safe. The point is to meet the version of yourself that only shows up when things matter.

The first time I ever competed, I almost walked out of the building. I was not hurt. I was not unprepared. I was just scared. I stayed. I lost. It was one of the best decisions I ever made because it taught me that fear is not a stop sign.

I kept going back. Eventually I won Europeans. Now I am here again, still nervous, still uncomfortable, still learning how to not let my nervous system run the show.

This Time I Did One Thing Right

I cut weight early.

I just finished a five day water fast and dropped 10 pounds. I am sitting at 198 lbs right now. My division limit is 207 lbs with the gi, and my gi weighs about 3.6 lbs, which means I can weigh around 203.4 lbs and still make weight.

So I have more than five pounds of buffer.

That is new for me.

Normally I am sweating out ounces at the last minute, half dehydrated, half panicked. This time I get to show up fed, hydrated, and calm while other guys are still fighting the scale in hotel bathrooms.

That alone changes how the whole tournament feels.

The Clean Kind of Fear

The fear I have now is not about weight. It is not about logistics. It is just about competition. The clean kind of fear that means this matters.

So in two days I will walk onto that mat. Three matches. Twelve men. One gold medal.

I do not know how it will go.

What I do know is that I will keep signing up for things that make me uncomfortable until they stop controlling me.

That is how you grow.

And sometimes, if you are lucky, that is how you win.